By: Abbey Crank
Growing up in the Bible Belt, Zoe Lakin thought Christianity was the strongest force in her life. One thing she overlooked was that this very upbringing suppressed who she truly was for 21 years. Right on the outskirts of Huntsville, Alabama, Lakin grew up with her little sister, Zadie Lakin, and parents, Theresa and Russ Lakin, in the small town of Harvest. Her life revolved around church, her Christian-centered schooling, an ever-growing passion for art and the sports she loved the most: volleyball and softball.
Contributed by Zoe Lakin.
“I was raised by two people who love me very much. They’re very conservative and Christian, and they wanted my sister and me to be those things as well,” Lakin said. “From these conservative values stem a lot of sub-values, some good and some not so good. One of the most influential of these was hard work.
“My dad in particular always told my sister and me that we could do anything if we worked hard enough. This idea made me so dedicated to giving my all in every aspect of my life. It’s why I spent hours outside in the front yard hitting my volleyball against my house over and over on hot Alabama summer days, why I spent the majority of my nights freshman year of college working in the studio and why I worked two jobs on top of a full load of classes.” Today, Lakin is an average 22-year-old college senior with brown hair, olive-toned skin and eyes as blue as the sky. She is in her last semester at Auburn University studying art history.
What Lakin did not realize is that, because of her upbringing, she overlooked a crucial part of her identity: her sexuality. She slowly came to terms with the fact that she was a lesbian.
Lakin said she almost believed every ideology handed down by her teachers and family, and those very foundations weren’t questioned until her first year at Auburn. “I started discovering who I was in high school a bit, but it wasn’t prominent until I got to Auburn and formed close relationships with people who had very different life experiences, backgrounds and ideas from my own,” Lakin said. “I was lucky to have friendships with people who taught me things that seemed totally foreign to me before. I also learned a lot in my history and art history classes about the United States that really opened my eyes to a lot that I had never been exposed to at a Christian school.” Looking back, Lakin now sees the hints of darkness within her positive upbringing.
“My Christian school experience was truly such a mixed bag of everything. There are some things, like the people, lessons and skills, that I’m so thankful for. I wouldn’t be myself without it, but there are also so many things that caused me a lot of pain and frustration,” she said. “Because this school emphasized hard work, I worked really hard in my classes and was able to score high enough on the ACT to pay for most of my tuition.
“On the other hand, my school was big on was the idea that the Bible was inherently perfect and true, without much emphasis on things like context, translation processes or human interference. This notion made things like purity culture, strict gender roles and heterosexuality major points of emphasis in the school’s culture. ...”
As a teen, Lakin’s school was a Presbyterian-centered education. Every aspect of her knowledge slowly became interwoven with God’s Word.
“In terms of religion, the school believed that their specific views should be injected into pretty much every subject. History was whitewashed and taught from a pretty nationalistic
perspective, and a lot of the race and queer-centered history was just left out. We were taught creationism in science, not evolution,” Lakin said.
There were other, faith-related teachings laced throughout Lakin’s school years.
“We learned was that any form of sexuality outside of marriage between a man and woman was sinful and hated by God. We also learned that hell was real, and everyone who is not a Christian is going to be tortured for all eternity there,” she said. “Women were also expected to submit to their husbands, and men are wired to oversexualize women. Men are also entitled to women’s bodies. There was even a Bible teacher who was telling us we should not leave abusive husbands.”
Lakin tried to convince herself she was straight. She would pick guys in her classes to be her crush of the week in case anyone asked her about boys. All throughout her teenage years, Lakin’s best friend Kennedi Phillips was right by her side. Phillips is still one of her closest friends 10 years later.
“I always thought of her as the smart, athletic girl. Once I got to know her, I realized she wasn’t just athletic. She’s also really funny and a little oblivious to some things. I’m going to be honest, I’m not really sure what made me like her. I think it’s just the way she is,” Phillips said with a soft chuckle.
Looking back on their adolescent selves, Phillips said she is proud of Lakin’s growth.
“Zoe is a totally different person than when we were in high school. That’s to be expected when you are sheltered your entire life,” Phillips said. “I think she’s matured quicker than most college students, and she’s become more sure of herself and where she wants to go in life.”
Now, Lakin is fully out of the closet to all of her family and friends. She is also in a committed relationship with her girlfriend, Lexi Lamar.
“When we first met, I thought she was really quiet but also really sweet and funny,” Lamar said. “Zoe makes my daily life better by just being herself.”
One of Lakin’s biggest fears was sharing her past pains associated with religion, and Lamar was proud of how much she overcame.
“I personally grew up going to church, but I am not really religious anymore. I think Zoe’s upbringing in a conservative, Christian community is what made her who she is today,” Lamar said. “Without knowing her values, I wouldn’t have guessed that’s how she grew up.
Contributed by Zoe Lakin
“I can see how growing up in that community, as well as getting out of it, could impact her values from aligning with the values of the church. She truly created her own way.”
To this day, Lakin stays a safe distance from religion.
“Churches are made of people. People can be evil, wrong and make mistakes because of the things they themselves have been taught,” Lakin said. “I know there are churches out there that do more good than harm, but I think my overall life is best when institutional religion is not at the center. My mental health just really can’t take any risks with the potential harms of church at the moment.
She added, “My church hammered home a lot of awful teachings about sexuality and gender roles that are still triggering despite all of the therapy work I’ve done since. I still need space from these places before I can revisit them, if I ever do. I’m perfectly happy to close those chapters of my life and not really look back, other than to heal in therapy.”
Looking ahead, Lakin is excited for her future after graduating with honors from Auburn this May.
“I’m not sure what I want to be in the long term, but I will be working starting in May for a super cool arts firm in Atlanta, and I’m excited about that. I’m ready to be completely independent with some good friends in a fun, new city,” she said. “I know I want to continue working in the arts, and I hope to get married and have a family one day. I want to be the best mom, partner and friend I can be.”
For others discovering their sexuality in other strongly-rooted Christian, conservative upbringings, Lakin offers one piece of advice.
“My advice to others would be to find good friends who support you no matter what,” she said. “Even if it’s just one friend, having someone on your side who truly loves you no matter what is massive.
“Also, remember that the world is big and wide. There is a lot more out there than you even imagine, and you’re not alone. There are so many others who have suffered similarly or are currently going through some of the same things you are.”
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